Why is it hard to set boundaries with those close to us and those we work alongside?
With Christmas coming – enforced time with all those wonderful people that push our buttons…
It’s a good opportunity to think about our own limits.
Why is it hard to set boundaries with those close to us and those we work alongside?
We avoid setting boundaries because we don’t want to:
⬜ Disappoint others
⬜ Make people angry
⬜ Cause conflicts
⬜ Be seen as selfish
⬜ Seem too strict or sensitive
Or we may not know:
⬜ Exactly what the boundary is yet
⬜ If we’re entitled to have a boundary!
⬜ How to express our boundary
Here’s what I’ve learned about setting boundaries effectively:
⬜ Take responsibility for your ‘yes’ and ‘no’. It’s not anyone else’s job to figure out your limits and set boundaries for you – you’re it!
⬜ Be self-aware. Understand your triggers and what capacity you have. Notice your reactions to what people say or do. Pay attention to what provokes you; feeling angry might signal a crossed boundary.
⬜ Identify your values. Boundaries reflect your true personal values, knowing your values helps to you know what’s important to protect.
⬜ Set clear expectations. Many people cross a boundary unintentionally because they don’t know it exists. If you’re a leader, define roles and set clear expectations with your team. If you’re an individual contributor, get clarity on your role and speak plainly about your limits.
⬜ Prioritise your time. Recognise time as your most valuable resource. Plan it and don’t let others control it. Set aside specific times for tasks and other things that are important to you – “a place for everything and everything in its place” (Benjamin Franklin). Recognise when you are unable to make time for things.
⬜ Practice self-discipline. Stick to the boundaries you’ve set for yourself. Repeat them if necessary and explain their importance.
⬜ Build healthy relationships. Communicate openly and respectfully. Avoid getting too involved in others’ problems. Prioritise building positive, beneficial relationships rooted in trust and respect. Know when to walk away from unhealthy connections.
Having healthy boundaries means openly communicating your expectations, needs, and capacity with others and yourself. People who set boundaries well enable themselves to live and work within safe and sustainable limits and have healthy relationships with other people that are based on fair and realistic terms.
What do you do to ensure you know and set boundaries effectively?
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Harrowfield draws on the disciplines of organisational and behavioural psychology to provide fit-for-purpose training in human skills that build workplace capability and confidence.
Harrowfield People Development, a strategic learning agency.
